Got an encouraging email from the youth pastor at our church today. It almost made me cry. Here's what he said:
"So sorry Karen, we will be praying for Elizabeth. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help."
Elizabeth is dealing with some mental health issues. She is gone, in a hospital - getting help from some mental health professionals.
Another email I got today was from a professional therapist, and she said:
"People don't understand how emotionally draining it is to take care of a child with a mental illness and I know that the parents often get blamed for what is going on, which adds to the emotional stress. Or, people from the outside think they have all the answers, when in reality, a lot of times there is no answer that will completely solve the problem :( "
I am going to answer Pastor Dave (Thanks for asking!) and the rest of you -please feel free to eavesdrop on our conversation.
Pastor Dave - let me answer your question in two ways. #1 - Things you can do to help. #2 - Things that are not helpful!
Things to KNOW:
~ This is hard for us. It's just as hard as if one of our children had a broken neck, or cancer. It SUCKS. Please understand we might not want to talk. BE THERE.~ This is hard for us. It feels like we are alone on an island, with NO ONE who understands. It SUCKS. Please understand we might WANT to talk. Just LISTEN.
~This is hard for our children. ALL OF THEM. They might want to talk. Just LISTEN. They might NOT want to talk. BE THERE. Just don't force them to answer questions.
~This is hard for ELIZABETH. She didn't ask for this. She didn't choose this. She DOESN'T WANT this. She is SCARED. She is EMBARRASSED. She HURTS.
~ PRAY for her. PRAY for her MOM and DAD. PRAY for her SIBLINGS ... all of them. Pray for HEALING. Pray for the family ... Pray for STRENGTH to get through this. Please - PRAY!
~ A mental health illness is NOT a parenting flaw. Read up on mental health.
#1 - Ways you can help.
Be practical. What if your child was having brain surgery?. What would help you? Think through what you would want me to do for you if your child were in an extended "regular hospital" stay or had a major accident:
~Send an email or card to Elizabeth.
~Pray. Pray with us. Pray at your home for us. Tell us you are praying. Come pray with us.
~Bring a meal over - frozen pizza is GREAT! We have an oven!
~Offer to babysit - even just one or two of our other children. They are scared.
~Listen. Ask questions. Don't gossip.
~Give a gas card (Elizabeth is approximately 150 miles away)
~Offer to go with on a trip to visit her.~Come help out at our house. Wash some dishes or just read a story to the kids. Watch a video with the kids or push them on our swings.
~Remember that when she comes home, she won't be magically FIXED. We will still need support for months and years to come.
Ideas from other source. These are ways to help and encourage the sick person, but are very appropriate for the family of the sick person!
Over 60 ways to help a sick friend
Ways to help a friend
27 ways to comfort a sick friend
How to help someone with a mental illness
Support
#2 - Things that ARE NOT helpful.
Please think before you talk...
~ Don't act like the Old Testament friends of Job who were quick to point out all of the reasons this was Job's fault.
~ Don't ignore us or our children. Talk to us.
~ Don't keep talking. Just say "I don't understand, but I care. I will pray."
~ Don't tell us how to fix her.
~ Don't tell us that "This is the NEW NORMAL" for our family. No - it's not NORMAL. It is an illness.
~ Don't ask us if we've prayed for her. DUH! We are the BEATY BUNCH - of COURSE we've prayed. We've asked our church elders, our church families, her therapist, her doctor, our family, our friends, and many MANY others to pray.
The therapist that was emailing me this morning went on to say:
Our oldest son stated it so well .... ".Let me respectfully say, if you believe she can be healed just by prayer, please pray for her. We're not against it. Believe me, we've tried. But please stop telling us how to tell the doctors to do their job. If all she needs is prayer, prove it."
We are seeking help from TRAINED PROFESSIONALS, pediatric specialists, who work with children who have these mental health issues.These specialists have been TRAINED PROFESSIONALS longer than Elizabeth has been alive!
Please - take time to watch this video about helping a friend with a Mental Illness - it might help explain how we're feeling.
Again - THANK YOU Pastor Dave...for asking. That means so much more than you will EVER KNOW.
~Bring a meal over - frozen pizza is GREAT! We have an oven!
~Offer to babysit - even just one or two of our other children. They are scared.
~Listen. Ask questions. Don't gossip.
~Give a gas card (Elizabeth is approximately 150 miles away)
~Offer to go with on a trip to visit her.~Come help out at our house. Wash some dishes or just read a story to the kids. Watch a video with the kids or push them on our swings.
~Remember that when she comes home, she won't be magically FIXED. We will still need support for months and years to come.
Ideas from other source. These are ways to help and encourage the sick person, but are very appropriate for the family of the sick person!
Over 60 ways to help a sick friend
Ways to help a friend
27 ways to comfort a sick friend
How to help someone with a mental illness
Support
#2 - Things that ARE NOT helpful.
Please think before you talk...
~ Don't act like the Old Testament friends of Job who were quick to point out all of the reasons this was Job's fault.
~ Don't ignore us or our children. Talk to us.
~ Don't keep talking. Just say "I don't understand, but I care. I will pray."
~ Don't tell us how to fix her.
~ Don't tell us that "This is the NEW NORMAL" for our family. No - it's not NORMAL. It is an illness.
~ Don't ask us if we've prayed for her. DUH! We are the BEATY BUNCH - of COURSE we've prayed. We've asked our church elders, our church families, her therapist, her doctor, our family, our friends, and many MANY others to pray.
The therapist that was emailing me this morning went on to say:
"People need to understand that this isn't something that just goes away, even with prayer. Prayer is good and powerful but as you know, its not always God's intention to just make things like this disappear. Maybe the prayer needs to not necessarily focus on healing but rather a prayer to help the two of you, the rest of the family, and everyone that surrounds you to have the patience and understanding to help Elizabeth (and you guys) through the difficult periods in life that she is likely to experience. "
Our oldest son stated it so well .... ".Let me respectfully say, if you believe she can be healed just by prayer, please pray for her. We're not against it. Believe me, we've tried. But please stop telling us how to tell the doctors to do their job. If all she needs is prayer, prove it."
We are seeking help from TRAINED PROFESSIONALS, pediatric specialists, who work with children who have these mental health issues.These specialists have been TRAINED PROFESSIONALS longer than Elizabeth has been alive!
Please - take time to watch this video about helping a friend with a Mental Illness - it might help explain how we're feeling.
Again - THANK YOU Pastor Dave...for asking. That means so much more than you will EVER KNOW.
Perfect timing... you posted just as I had some time on the computer : ) Thanks for letting us know how to help and others too! Some people are gifted at knowing how to help at the right time with the right thing... not me : ) Even telling me to imagine if I were going through something doesn't help silly me, I don't even know what I need when I'm actually going through something, LOL!! Hopefully we and others can show up for you guys in a few ways as we all consider building one another up for God's glory! Praying for you all through this difficult time!
ReplyDeleteHey Lady,
ReplyDeleteI love you. And your family. I like your list, and I wish I could babysit and cook you frozen pizza. I will pray, since there's no distance requirement for that. I'm praying that you all can be supported the way Job was in the beginning of his grief -- that your friends can just sit in silence with you and grieve with you, accepting your pain and knowing that talking isn't always helpful.
As I read this, I was listening to David Brymer singing "Restoration." You might like it. I'm praying that in the midst of suffering God will continually remind your family of his character: that he will restore you, heal you, and make all things new in HIS timing. Which is difficult, but so good. I love you. If you need a new person to listen, I can do that. Thanks for being honest in your blog. We can all learn from your honesty.
Kayla - I LOVE YOU - and I know you'd be here in a heartbeat! God encourages me when I think of you - You are a blessing to me!!!
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